Your Singing Mammogram

Last night, I hopped onto Twitter just to check what was going on over there since Facebook was quiet and was boring me, and I caught a tweet made by Lori, the president of METAvivor.

I clicked on the link to see the video, and my jaw dropped. I'm deaf, I couldn't even follow what was being said, and even taking that into account, what I saw was so mind-numbingly offensive that all I could do was make incoherently profane sounds and anatomically-impossible suggestions for the people who thought it up. For your viewing "pleasure", it's below:

And of course, this comes on the heels of me bitching about the sexualization of breast cancer. I've been getting bits and snips of this travesty from other people, trying to formulate a post of my own about this. I seriously can't even with this video. Every line I learn, my brain hops back into incoherent rage mode. But this is what friends are for. Lori made an excellent post of her own, #AllKindsOfWrong, and Sara, the best maid in our wedding party, put together a line-by-line of what's wrong with this video.

Ooooh, wow. Where do I begin? First off, that was the longest, most annoying minute of my life so far today.

Right from the start, it annoys me. The nonsense-syllable intro? "Boobs, ba-boobs, ba-boobs, ta-ta tas, boobs..." Oh, -please-.

"Dudes and babies love 'em,/It's fun to squeeze and hug 'em..." Yes, thank you. Thank you for reducing my worth to a pair of breasts, on legs. Because the rest of me is not huggable at all--just my breasts. Thank you for reminding me that they have two purposes: For Being Groped, and For Feeding Sprogs. Because it's -certainly- not enough to just let them be 'a body part'.

I could be mishearing this one; it's a bit mushy: "Big cups or double-Ds, E and, we love 'em Gs..." Yes, because mammoth boobs are the ONLY ONES THAT MATTER, duh. Anything smaller than a D-cup? Apparently, you do not matter. (Note: the line is actually B-Cups, but the comment still stands. A-Cups are ignored, and oddly, C-Cups are only implied. The less common DD, E, and Gs are sung about because massive boobs.)

"They jiggle in loose tees/And extra-perky in the breeze!" I don't even. Again with the implication that breasts serve no other purpose than to please men, and we are -obligated-, as women, to entertain them with our breasts.

"Depending on the rack,/They sometimes hurt your back." I don't know. I just found this line, sung by a bunch of guys, who will never have to deal with that sort of issue, to be incredibly condescending. Almost along the lines of the "It's all in your head!" sympathy they give when women suffer from PMS: "How could you possibly SUFFER from something as awesome as BREASTS?! You must be imagining it."

Then there's this nonsense mumbled stuff about the pleasure of removing your bra after a long day. Whatever, dudes. It comes off as them chuckling and head-patting...oh, those women and their brassieres...more lady-sorcery we do not understand! BRAS. HOW DO THEY WORK.

"It's important and we're begging you, please.../Take care of those boobies!" If the sentiment was, 'Regular breast exams are a critical component of your preventive care regimen', then, okay. I can accept that. But the entire feel--no, I take that back--TAINT of this video gives the undercurrent of, 'If you get breast cancer, you'll have to get a mastectomy, and THEN what will we ogle and squeeze?! YOU OWE US, LADIES.' And maybe I'm just reading too much into this. But to me, the video -oozes- light-hearted "tee hee, look at us, we're so cute!" There is no 'serious reminder of health issues'. And it comes off as 'it's not THAT serious', too.

"And please don't forget to share this reminder to check your pair." Most women I know would be offended by this, why on earth would I share it?

Ugh. I feel dirty now.

 Another thought I had, after stepping away from that morass of everything tacky and tasteless: it ONLY concerns women who have not been diagnosed with breast cancer.

Maybe that's the whole point, and maybe I'm missing that point, and maybe it's just that, a year ago, I wouldn't have even given it a second thought. But, knowing you, and being here with you as you go through the treatment and the stress and the heartache of dealing with breast cancer? It kind of -cheapens- what you're going through. Turns it into a song-and-dance number, makes it sound like this funny, cool thing ladies should do. Oh, and if you get breast cancer? You horrible harridan, you DID NOT TAKE CARE OF YOUR BOOBIES. HOW. COULD. YOU. WE EVEN SANG AND DANCED ABOUT IT!

To me, Prevention, Treatment and Management should be bosom buddies (no pun intended). One should not be given the spotlight, while the others are overshadowed, because prevention is the fun one! It's the pretty one that isn't sick yet! What's the point of prevention, if no effort is made toward exploring treatment options and efforts to improve the quality of life for people (yes, men and women both) who suffer from breast cancer?

AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING I just thought of. This whole video COMPLETELY excludes the men, completely. It doesn't cover the fact that they're at risk, too, and makes early detection seem like Womany Sorcery Stuff, No Boys Allowed. And that's a crying shame, because what do these poor men do, when they find themselves adrift in a sea of pink, with no lifebuoys left out for them?

Susan G. Komen, you disgust me, in ways I never thought you could.

I couldn't have said it better myself. And in case an example is needed to prove that one doesn't have to resort to offensive, condescending, ninnyhammer claptrap to promote awareness, here's the video from METAvivor.

October 15: The Problem of Pink Goalposts

A year ago today, Business Insider released an article highlighting some rather questionable business practices.

For the last few years, throughout the month of October, football fans have grown accustomed to seeing pink everywhere, and merchandise advertised to go toward breast cancer research can be purchased.

After running the numbers for the cuts taken by the NFL itself, by the retailers, manufacturers, and the American Cancer Society administration, article author Cork Gaines arrives at a shockingly low number for what actually goes toward research. 8.01%.

That means if you spent $100USD on Pink NFL merchandise, only eight dollars and one cent would go to research. Fifty dollars goes to the retailers themselves. Manufacturers take thirty seven dollars and fifty cents. That right there totals up to eighty seven dollars and fifty cents out of your $100 purchase. And of the remaining amount, still less than ten percent goes to breast cancer research. The way it's set up isn't to get research funding, it's a marketing ploy.

It should also be noted that the most common place for pink NFL merchandise to be sold is through the league's online store, individual teams and at the stadiums. Therefore, the NFL or the individual teams act as the retailer in this case and therefore receive a portion of the 50 percent that goes toward the "retailer."

By putting the spotlight on the pink ribbon, the NFL is boosting its corporate image and gaining female fans, as well as lining their own pockets.

If you want to buy the pink NFL merchandise for the sake of having it, then by all means go ahead. But don't delude yourself into thinking you're contributing to breast cancer research. If you truly wish to make a difference, look at the product you might buy, look at the price tag attached, and donate that amount to METAvivor's campaign, #GiveItUp4Mets. 100% of your money will go toward metastatic breast cancer research.

Which is worth it, another t-shirt, or hope for 155,000 Americans who are living with metastatic breast cancer? And isn't your money worth more than 8 percent?

October 14: Save Second Base (Or: The Tits Are What Matters)

Save the Ta-tas! Save Second Base! Save the jiggly things on a woman's chest that we like to call by cutesy names.

What about saving the women?

This is not going to be a fun post. I'm going to soapbox on another issue that's worthy of an entire blog unto itself: rape culture.

What exactly is rape culture? And yes, before you might protest, it does exist. (Trigger warning for that last link for examples in media) What makes rape culture possible is the cultural norm of objectifying women and turning sex into a punchline.

Why is breast cancer the most marketable illness around? I mean, for fuck's sake, we have pink fracking drill bits (courtesy of SGK, of course. Who else?) Yes, breast cancer kills 40,000 women and men per year in the USA alone, but metastatic disease is hardly touched upon throughout the month of October, much less year-round. The pink ribbon is a cash cow. Why?

Yes, men get breast cancer too, but it's still rare compared to the number of women who get it. Why is the NFL merchandising pink ribbons? (Tune in tomorrow for that fiasco)

Breast cancer is the only disease that affects a publicly acceptable part of a woman's sexual presentation. They're called cutesy names, there's an entire restaurant chain devoted to them (I'm looking at you, Hooters) and the point of it all is to objectify women.

I've heard breast cancer self-exams being joked about as 'groping'. I've heard of it being used as an excuse to grope. "Don't mind me, I'm just checking you for breast cancer!" Grope a tit, save a life. (Never mind the fact that self-exams don't actually save anyone's life; if you've been reading this blog this month, you've learned by now that one out of every three women who find theirs early go on to develop metastatic disease.)

"Save Second Base". Who thought that one up? It turns a deadly disease into a fun punchline.  "Save the Tatas!" Why are we focused on them? What about saving the women? And what about the men who are afflicted with this disease? Their breasts are not considered second base, nor called tatas or coconuts or hooters or any other cutesy tee-hee names.

The reason behind all of this is rape culture. It makes it okay to turn women into sexual objects, which in turn makes breast cancer a fun game all about the tatas. Rape culture makes it okay to sexualize breast cancer.

And that is why it is so marketable. Sex sells, remember? It's no longer about the women. It's all about the tits.

It's the reason an image of a sexy young woman with presumably perky, whole breasts wearing black sexy lingerie made the rounds on Facebook trying to co-opt National Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day (October 13) as No Bra Day. What does going without a bra have to do with breast cancer? Many women who've had mastectomies (as well as those who've undergone reconstruction) can no longer wear bras, at least not "normal" ones. Who does going without bras serve? The patriarchy, objectifying women.

Heterosexual males benefit from it. Not the women with breast cancer. While whole and perky women are jiggling free under their shirts, women who have had mastectomies, with scarred, lumpy, or completely missing breasts, are reminded that society values their breasts more than the person. Many of these women already have self-image issues stemming from the procedures. It is not a "free boob job". A mastectomy and reconstruction involves several surgeries, drains, and a lot of pain as well as a risk for infections and complications. And the reconstructed breasts are still scarred, easily causing pain if bumped or prodded, with little or no sensation that pleasurable to the women. But society expects women to have two bouncy tits or they're not a "real woman". Fortunately, more and more are choosing not to reconstruct, instead going Breast Free.

What a radical thought. But it doesn't have to be that way. Society ties so much of our identity as women to our breasts that the concept of opting out of additional painful surgeries seems groundbreaking and radical and brave. The patriarchy expects women to look like women, even if the reconstructed breast lacks the ability to cause pleasure. It's not about the women. It's about the men.

Yes, I'm aware that some women choose reconstruction for their own personal satisfaction. Had I undergone a mastectomy, I probably would have chosen reconstruction myself. It's not about women choosing to reconstruct, it's about how they're expected to, and going flat is seen as daring and brave. It's not, they're making a choice that's right for them, just as those who choose to reconstruct are making the choice that's right for them as well. Society expects us to have two perky tits, and that pressures a lot of women into undergoing the pain and stress of reconstruction when they might otherwise choose to go without it.

It's an ugly post on an ugly topic. Women are expected to be bright and happy For the Cure robots of Hope and if there's anything we don't like about it, we're expected to shut up and be thankful anyway. Sound familiar? Lay back and take it. Close your eyes and think of England. Catcalls on the street? Stop being so sensitive, it's a compliment, learn to take it like one. All this attention should be accepted with a smile.

This hurts women, and it hurts men too. This is why male-oriented cancers don't get enough attention. This is why other cancers and diseases don't get the same amount of coverage as breast cancer. They're not perky, bouncy, fun sex objects. They can't be marketed in a lighthearted manner. Not the way we do with breast cancer.

That's the end result of it. Breast cancer has become a punchline, the deaths of 40,000 Americans annually pinkwashed over with marketing campaigns which do nothing but line pockets. It's a big business, and sex sells.

I'm not proposing we find ways to sexualize testicular or prostate cancer, but instead, how about we stop using it to sell breast cancer? It's not a cute disease of tee-hee body parts to be called by nudge-wink nicknames. It's killing people. Men and women alike. And we are no closer to a cure than we were decades ago.

Forget about the damn tatas. Save the people instead.

October 12: Don't Play Games With Me

I ranted about this last month, but here it is again. You know the games I'm talking about. The inboxer messages that implore you to forward them to all the women on your friendslist, post something obscure as their status, and somehow, all of that promotes Breast Cancer Awareness.

Breast cancer is not a rite of passage in the voyage of womanhood. It is not a status game to play. Posting obscure things or sentences of off-color humor do nothing to promote awareness of breast cancer in general, let alone metastatic breast cancer.

Taking selfies without make-up does not support people with breast cancer. Going braless is not a thing to do to show solidarity. There's been efforts to turn October 13 into braless day to show support for breast cancer.

News Flash. October 13 is already spoken for. It's the National Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. Yes, this is a real thing, that a group of women from the Metastatic Breast Cancer Network lobbied hard to get. The stage that accounts for 40,000 deaths in the USA each year gets one whole day, a sort of a backhanded acknowledgement, throughout the entire pink month.

And some people feel it's the perfect day to promote playing games.

Now, if you've played the games, don't feel guilty. What's done is done, and while you didn't spread awareness, you didn't actively harm anyone either. But the next time they come your way, don't participate. Instead, post a fact about Breast Cancer, like how 155,000 Americans are living with Metastatic Breast Cancer right now, or how only 2% of the funding raised for breast cancer goes to research for MBC.

But respect and honor our day. Forty percent of the people with breast cancer are metastatic.  Thirty were treated for earlier stage cancer, and ten percent were already metastatic at the time of diagnosis. We get 2% of the funding. We deserve more than just that, more than just that one day we have to honor the fallen. But it's what we have, allow us that much.

When the games come your way, take it as an opportunity to educate. Only then will they help spread awareness.

October 9: Things Not to Say - Part 2

Welcome to the second post out of four installments of things not to say to someone with metastatic disease. As I said yesterday, I understand many of these comments are spoken with only the best of intentions, and it's not my goal to shame anyone for saying them. I admitted to saying one of them myself yesterday. It's what's busted with all the pinkwashing.

"Have you tried this special food?"

 I'm not even a year away from my diagnosis, and I'm pretty sure I've already heard it all. Hemp oil cures cancer. Superfoods cure cancer. I just have to eat this or take those pills and I'll be okay. Seriously, I wish it were that easy. There is no particular food or natural ingredient or medication that will cure cancer. I have no doubt that eating thee foods help supplement and support the body during and after treatment and give us an extra boost of nourishment, but a cure? Far from it.


"You need to make your body hostile to cancer by following a special diet."

There's a current theory floating around that cancer thrives in an acidic (low pH) environment, and in order to beat cancer, you need an alkaline (high pH) environment. It's based on lab studies, and while they are not inaccurate, the findings only apply to cells in an isolated lab setting. Altering the body's cells to be less acidic is virtually impossible to accomplish. Furthermore, home-testing kits which measure the pH balance in urine output do not reliably relay information on the body's pH levels. Excess acid or base is excreted and the body maintains its pH balance. If there were actually a known diet that worked, there would be a paper or five published by the likes of MD Anderson or Sloan-Kettering. Finding a treatment like that would be quite the feather in any doctor's cap.


Sugar feeds cancer cells!

This theory took root because of the way PET scans work.  Positron emission tomography (PET) scans use a small amount of radioactive tracer, typically a form of glucose. All tissues in your body absorb some of this tracer, but tissues that are using more energy, such as cancer cells, absorb greater amounts. For this reason, some people have concluded that cancer cells grow faster on sugar. But this isn't true. There's a reason you have to sit very still while the tracer disperses through your body. Any kind of activity will result in higher energy use. All cells use glucose, all cells need glucose. Cancer cells are typically dividing at a faster rate than most of the surrounding cells (which is why chemotherapy works) but cutting all forms of sugar out of your diet is not going to stop the cancer cells from growing and multiplying.

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Part One
Part Three
Part Four

October 5: What Is Breast Cancer?

Breast Cancer is a huge umbrella that covers so many different types and variations, all of which can impact treatment and prognosis.

Ductal Carcinoma accounts for 80% of the breast cancers out there. It can be Invasive, or "in situ", when it hasn't left its area or origin to invade the surrounding tissue. This is the type that forms the classic lump, although depending on the density of the breast tissue, it's not always easy to find.

Inflammatory Breast Cancer

Lobular Carcinoma is the second most common type of breast cancer. Like Ductal, it can be either invasive or in situ. It does not always form a firm lump, and it can be elusive in mammogram screenings.

Inflammatory Breast Cancer does not form a lump at all, but has thickening and painful redness of the breast tissue. It can frequently be misdiagnosed as mastitis. It is usually advanced to stage III or IV by the time it's properly diagnosed. It is one of the more aggressive forms of breast cancer.

Paget's Disease of the Nipple is a rare form of breast cancer, accounting for just 1% of all breast cancer cases. It begins in the ducts and spreads to the skin of the nipple and areola. It presents with symptoms which can include crusted, scaly, red, or oozing skin of the affected area, as well burning or itching. 

This is just a short list, there's several more forms of breast cancer out there, although they are rare, accounting for 1-2% of the diagnosed cases.

On top of the different types of breast cancer, they can have different characterizations as well. They can be hormone receptor positive, growth factor receptor positive, hormone receptor negative, and so forth. A woman can be Triple Positive (ER/PR+ Her2+), Triple Negative (ER/PR- Her2-) or a mixture (ER/PR+ Her2-) These impact the various treatments available and how effective they might be. Triple Negative is one of the harder forms of breast cancer to treat because it has the least amount of available treatments which are successful.

There's also staging, which is another variable to account for in each unique case of breast cancer. Factors which impact on the staging include: the size of the tumor within the breast, the number of lymph nodes affected, and signs indicating whether or not the breast cancer cancer has invaded other organs within the body.

Stage 0 - There's slight differences between DCIS and LCIS in this stage. Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) is a non-invasive cancer where abnormal cells have been found in the lining of the breast milk duct. In Stage 0 breast cancer, the atypical cells have not spread outside of the ducts or lobules into the surrounding breast tissue.  Lobular carcinoma in situ (LCIS) at Stage 0 generally is not considered cancer. Although it has carcinoma in the name, it really describes a growth of abnormal but non-invasive cells forming in the lobules.

Stage 1 - In this stage, cancer is evident, but it is contained to only the area where the first abnormal cells began to develop. The breast cancer has been detected in the early stages and can be very effectively treated. It is divided up into Stage 1A and Stage 1B. With 1B, there is cancer evidence in the lymph nodes.

Stage 2 - Like Stage 1, it's divided up between 2A and 2B. With 2A, no actual tumor is associated with the cancerous cells, or the tumor is less than 2 centimeters and less than four auxillary lymph nodes have cancer cells present, or the tumor is between 2 and 5 centimeters and has not yet spread to the lymph nodes. With 2B, the tumor is between the 2 and 5 centimeters and has spread to less than four axillary lymph nodes, or the tumor is larger than five centimeters, but has not spread to any axillary lymph nodes.

Stage 3 - The cancer has spread beyond the point of origin and into surrounding tissue and lymph nodes, but has not yet appeared anywhere else in the body. Sometimes the term 'advanced breast cancer' is used to include Stage 3. It is divided into three groups: Stage 3A, 3B, and 3C. The difference is determined by the size of the tumor and whether cancer has spread to the lymph nodes and surrounding tissue.

Stage 4 - This means that the breast cancer cells have spread to other areas of the body, such as the brain, bones, lung and liver. It is at this point considered incurable, and the goal of treatment is to extend life as long as possible. You can have Stage 4 Breast Cancer and not be actively dying, living with it more like a chronic condition, although it's considered a terminal progression.

Deaf Community Outreach

I'm deaf. I have been since 1978, when I lost all my hearing through bacterial meningitis. Although I received a cochlear implant in 2010, it doesn't allow me enough hearing to participate in telephone conversations.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I started looking for online support groups, especially for metastatic breast cancer. I found a few message boards, as well as real-time peer-led support chats. However, those real-time chats all had one unfortunate thing in common: they were all telephone-based.

I cannot be the only deaf/hard of hearing individual with breast cancer. I'm special, but not quite that much of a special snowflake. But this meant that the deaf community was being underserved and overlooked in the world of breast cancer support.

There was a metastatic support group offered through Young Survival Coalition that incorporated video, so I signed up in hopes it was something like Skype. If I wore my implant, then I might have a chance of following along at least well enough to benefit. I was wrong. Although there were some video call slots open, it was still predominantly telephone-based.

I knew the deaf community deserved more.

I spoke with the Senior Manager of Field Operations from Young Survival Coalition, Jennifer Stanley, and brought this problem to her attention. She took it to the national office and they decided to go forward with this.

Here is a copy of the email I received:

"I have talked with my National office about this and we are excited and think it is a good idea.  Our thought was to start off for the month of October to set the date/time and use the chat function of the community boards.  I can also post it on the online community board calendar.  Can you promote it through the resources you know of in the deaf/HoH community?  We would want to target the young (45’ish) and under breast cancer survivors to participate in the chat.  Since we are still in the middle of piloting this program (it’s just 4 months out since launch) we could talk about adding it to our regular line-up of calls if the interest is there as we test it through the community boards over the next two or three months.  If it seems like it’s going well and the interest for the program is there then we could start using the online video format in January.  Does this sound good to you?  We are so appreciative of you bringing this need to our attention and are excited to be a part of it going forward."

The chief problem now would be getting word out to the deaf community and making them aware of this program, in hopes of reaching those with breast cancer.

We are looking at either the third or fourth Monday of the month, a monthly meeting, at 8 pm Central time. (9 pm Eastern, 7 pm Mountain, and 6 pm West Coast times). This is open to deaf/hoh people around the world with any stage breast cancer.

I ask that the deaf/hoh community help me by boosting the signal and making this program known in hopes of reaching those of us with breast cancer. We have so little in the way of resources open to us, it is phenomenal that a national company is willing to address this need and try to open an avenue for us to have support.

It's in the Little Things

When I was first diagnosed, one of the most important pieces of advice I received came from a coworker. "People will want to help. Let them."

A cancer diagnosis doesn't just affect the person with the disease, but those around them too. It's a scary beast, and there's precious little anyone can do to make it better. There isn't a cure. Not everyone is in a position to be able to help with grocery shopping or housework, and oftentimes, people want to do something but are at a loss what to do.

Cancer makes people feel powerless. Being able to help empowers them, lets them join us in the fight to say a hearty Fuck You to cancer.

A lady in a metastatic group I follow posted about the ways her boss was making her work life as stress-free as possible, and although she was infinitely grateful, she felt bad accepting the help. We feel guilty for being sick, for needing things done for us, for accepting gifts that we don't feel we deserve, and are at a loss for ways to express how much it means to us.

The best way to show gratitude is to accept the gift graciously in the spirit in which it was given. Allow others the opportunist to reach out and help you. Accept it without guilt, without remorse, knowing fully that in doing so, we lift up others and allow joy to grow even in the darkest times.

Think of how much pleasure you get personally when you find the perfect gift for someone, just the thing you know will bring a smile to their day, and the lightness of heart you feel when you deliver it. Others feel the same with their gifts, thank them in the truest way possible by allowing them this joy.

If you want to do something in return, write a letter, or a card, and express how precious their help has been and how much you treasure it. Give them something concrete to hold to, your words that will survive you, and the peace of knowing that they were able to make your burden a little less, your day a little brighter.

That's all many people want. To give, to spread joy, to lessen the burden. With cancer, there's precious few ways one can do that. People will want to help you. Letting them is the best way to thank them.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend." - Melody Beattie

One Week

So my parents were here, and Mom found a roller brush that's an easy way to get cat hair off the sofa and loveseat. She also cleaned the carpets and did some laundry, and helped me organize my closet. (She's brilliant at that) And we did a final dress fitting for both Jen's and my dresses. The straps my Grandma made for my gown needed the placement verified, and she had taken it in a bit too much and it had to be let out. So both dresses are off to Ohio with them to be finished and de-wrinkled.

Grandma and I hemming the dress

It's the right length now. It had to be hemmed by quite a bit, so Grandma used the fabric from hemming it to make the straps. I wanted something to help disguise the port bump in my chest. The scar I'm fine with, but the port bump is a little weird. The straps don't quite cover it, but it's far less noticeable than it would have been had we left the gown strapless.

We're not wearing traditional dresses, neither of us are crazy about wearing white since it seems to add pounds, visually, so we went with evening gowns that flatter us. Jen's is raspberry pink and sparkly and gorgeous. It's a hard color to match though, so I went with gray to compliment it. The bridesmaids are wearing black floor-length dresses. Not all of them are evening gowns, but they're all black floor-length and they flatter them.

The bouquets will have ribbons with the Metavivor colors, and the necklaces for the bridesmaids will have the Metavivor charm. I've mentioned this before.

One more week. Caity and her boyfriend are flying into Omaha on Tuesday and we'll go pick them up. On Wednesday, Micchi's flying in to Lincoln - an easier pickup. On Saturday, Rebecca, Sara, and Becky are arriving, and Amanda lives in Lincoln already. If Becky ends up staying with her mother instead of at an Omaha hotel, she'll be able to join in the festives on Saturday afternoon/evening. Grilling hot dogs, watching movies, getting our nails done. If they all show up, I can give them their Attendant gifts. Hmm. I think I'll do that anyway, even if Becky can't make it. I'll give her the gift on Sunday if she stays in Omaha. That would make for less things to keep track of.

In other news, I found out something new. Apparently I do have a family history of breast cancer. My great-grandma Timbrook had breast cancer and a mastectomy. I barely remember her. I barely remember my great-grandpa Timbrook. They both passed on when I was pretty little. But she's the only person in the family I'm related to that has had breast cancer.

This doesn't really change anything, except I need to go through all of October's posts and make corrections if this comes up. I might just wait for the posts to go live and then review them before I share the link on Facebook.

But a single great-grandma who had it is not a strong history. It doesn't change that I'm BRCA 1 & 2 mutation negative. But it's a bit of a relief to know I'm not the only one in my family who's had it. I have enough of being the only one with things in my family. I'm the only one in my immediate family (first cousins included) who's gay, I'm the only one who's deaf, and I'm the only one who has Vitamin D Deficiency Syndrome. (My body doesn't produce enough Vitamin D on its own, I need to take supplements, and without it, my bones won't absorb calcium properly and if I get too much calcium in relation to Vitamin D, I can end up with kidney stones.) But I am NOT the only one with breast cancer. Never mind I'm the only cousin who was alive when she was. Not the point.

In preparation for October, I have some blog entries incoming from guests, the deadline I gave is October 3rd, because I'm a Fullmetal Alchemist nerd. That's also the day I'm having my other tooth extracted. If I don't get things until the third, I'll work on getting them formatted over the weekend. They won't run  until the later part of the month, so I'll have time. And I'll also have time to figure out what to do if I don't get all the days filled.

And even more teeth problems

Seriously. More teeth problems. I just had a molar in my lower right jaw removed due to an abscess on Friday. By Sunday a molar in my upper left that the dental bridge is attached to started hurting. I went into the dentist today and found out it's forming a abscess there too. Really? Really? Really?

That's me and my teeth. Seriously, e-fucking-nough. So now instead of just a follow-up on Friday, I get a follow-up and a consultation for another extraction. The dentist prescribed an antibiotic for the infection, and hopefully that will manage the pain until I can get this damn thing removed, which very likely won't be until after the wedding. Why this month of all months? This is ricockulous!

As it is, the prescription hasn't hit the pharmacy yet so we're still waiting on that, and it'll take a projected 36 hours before it starts working. 

In other news, I've discovered that there is currently no live-chat peer-led breast cancer support group that is accessible to the deaf or hard of hearing community. Every single one is telephone-based. Even the ones that allow for video still require a telephone connection. I've been talking with an administrator at the Young Survival Coalition about using the forum's chatroom for a deaf-accessible peer-led breast cancer support group at 7pm Central Time, the 4th Monday of every month.

I know I'm not the only deaf person with breast cancer out there, and there's a distinct lack of accessibility for the average deaf person. Hopefully I can help change that.

Blaming the victim

Right now, the media is abuzz with talk about all the celebrities who had their nude pictures hacked and posted on the internet. Well, they shouldn't have had them in the first place, people might argue. They shouldn't have put them in a secure storage system that wasn't hack-proof. It's their own fault.

Classic move of blaming the victim. Never mind that they thought that they were using a secure system. Never mind that blaming them for the hack is akin to blaming a homeowner for a burglary, even if they keep the curtains drawn, doors locked, and exterior lights on.

I'm not going to soapbox about rape culture (although it's tempting) but thinking about victim blaming makes me realize how pervasive it is, even with breast cancer.

You should have been avoiding X, Y, or Z. You should have been eating A, B, or C. You should have done this, you should have done that. Could'a, should'a, would'a.

It's still victim-blaming.

We didn't do anything to deserve getting breast cancer. Yes, we should all eat healthier, but that's not to blame for breast cancer. What we do or do not do is not the issue. We did not cause our disease.

Yes, I should have gone in when I found the lump. Even though when I tried to find it again later that night, I couldn't. Even though medical sites insist that breast cancer is rare under the age of 50. The more I read and the more I research, the more convinced I get that it was already too late.

The whole point of mammograms is to find breast cancer before they can be detected by touch. Usually when they get big enough to find by feel, they're already advanced. Maybe not yet stage IV, but invasive. Once it's invasive, there's always a risk of metastasis. And in younger women, it's frequently more aggressive.

When I had my mammogram, roughly two weeks after the biopsy results proved cancer, I was called back three different times for nine different scans on my right breast, and even then they needed to resort to an ultrasound to rule out any lumps. The tissue was too dense to get a good reading.

I have no known history of breast cancer in my family. There are times I wonder if some of them aren't worried about themselves, and in their own worry, harbor any unconscious resentment toward me for "introducing" breast cancer into the family line. I didn't do anything to cause my breast cancer. I'm not at fault. There is nothing I could have done to prevent it. And there is likely nothing I could have done to prevent it from metastasizing.

If you're reading this and you have breast cancer, take heed: It is not your fault. You did not cause this. You are not at fault for this disease. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it, so don't waste your energy looking behind you with all the might-have-beens. Look ahead, and keep your head held high. You are not to blame.