On May 13th, I had my last chemo infusion for the time being. I'm on Zoladex and Femara. There's no evidence of a tumor in my breast, and the liver tumor is 0.2cm in size.
I'm having post-chemo blues, as I've mentioned in another post. I don't feel like I should be having blues because I'm getting married.
I was accepted by Wish Upon A Wedding. Sept. 28, Jen and I will get married. Probably in Omaha.
I want to write a long post gushing about this but right now there's not too many details set in stone. We meet with the wedding planner on the 11th. I'll probably have something to gush about after that. Right now I'm still in the in-between doldrums and binging on Grey's Anatomy on Hulu.
About Me
- Susanne
- Diagnosed at 39 with Stage IV IDC breast cancer, grade 2, metastatic to the liver, and ER/PR+ and Her2-negative.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
The Not-Quite-Post-Treatment Post-Treatment Blues
I'm mets. I get that. I'm not post-treatment, I'll never be technically post-treatment even if I hit NED for a little while. So it's not really post-treatment blues. But it kinda feels like it. I don't know how to classify it. I'm no longer in chemo, no more weekly trips to the clinic - that's down to once a month for the Zoladex shot. I take a little pill, just one little pill, Femara, for the rest of it. (I take more meds than that, but that's the only one I'm on for the cancer.)
I've made the decision not to return to work due to a variety of factors, and I'm content with this.
I'm in a fog. A fog of meh. I have All The Feels ever and I'm sitting here navel-gazing and binging nonstop on Grey's Anatomy on Hulu and actually feeling thankful I'm getting out of the medical profession even though I miss it because having time to spend with my partner is more important to me and what I want to do now, but I'm not doing anything right now. I do nothing but sleep and watch Hulu and I don't want to do anything but at the same time I do, but I don't know what. We sleep during the day and are up when nothing's open and I don't really want to go shopping because there's nothing we need (except more trash bags for the kitchen, but that doesn't count)
I'm post-treatment from chemo and weekly visits and I feel... bored. I should get up and do something, there's still a lot of things I have to do, and I have a wedding coming up, but I'm not... here. I'd just gotten used to that New Normal and now it looks like it's all back to the Old Normal but it's not and it never will be, and it's taunting me with its normalness and it's not real.
It's an illusion.
It looks like Old Normal but it's not. It's still New Normal but it's a new kind of New Normal, and I'd just gotten used to the old New Normal and got into a groove and a steady routine and it was all clockwork and I'm all chill and zen with it and it's fine and now it's gone and it looks like Old Normal but it's not and I have to get used to this new part of New Normal.
I don't want to go back on chemo because that means the Zoladex and Femara didn't work and I'm out those treatments and back to the drawing board and chemo sucks and it makes me feel like crap but at the same time I feel like I'm actively fighting the cancer. I take a pill every day and a shot once a month and that doesn't feel like I'm doing enough. It's too close to the Old Normal.
It's frustrating. I want my old New Normal back, or my old Old Normal back. I don't like this grey in-between Neither-Old-Nor-New Normal. I don't like it here but at the same time I desperately hope I stay here because I know not liking it here will pass when I just snap out of these doldrums of bleh and get caught up on Grey's Anatomy and have to find something else to do. (I don't want to stop watching it in case they take it off Hulu before I get caught up to the current season)
I want to tell my pdoc to up my Prozac, but these Feels aren't necessarily caused by a chem imbalance the way my depression generally is, but due to Things That Can Be Talked About. Maybe I should see a therapist except I know what the problem is and what the solutions are, and talking about them once an hour every week and being asked "How does that make you feel" and other such questions is not going to fix things. I'm in Point A, and I can see where I'm supposed to be at Point C, and I know how to get there through point B so that's not the problem. The problem is I lack the motivation to do anything to get to B so I can go to C. I'm just happy to sit here on my hiney and turn into a veggie except for the part where I'm not, not really.
I'm happy but I'm not. I'm in the New Normal but I'm not. I'm post-treatment but I'm not. I'm sick but I'm not. I'm this but I'm not. I'm that but I'm not. I'm in-between but I'm not. I have All The Feels but I don't. AND IT IS SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING. Except for the part where it's not.
tl;dr - mets sucks.
I've made the decision not to return to work due to a variety of factors, and I'm content with this.
I'm in a fog. A fog of meh. I have All The Feels ever and I'm sitting here navel-gazing and binging nonstop on Grey's Anatomy on Hulu and actually feeling thankful I'm getting out of the medical profession even though I miss it because having time to spend with my partner is more important to me and what I want to do now, but I'm not doing anything right now. I do nothing but sleep and watch Hulu and I don't want to do anything but at the same time I do, but I don't know what. We sleep during the day and are up when nothing's open and I don't really want to go shopping because there's nothing we need (except more trash bags for the kitchen, but that doesn't count)
I'm post-treatment from chemo and weekly visits and I feel... bored. I should get up and do something, there's still a lot of things I have to do, and I have a wedding coming up, but I'm not... here. I'd just gotten used to that New Normal and now it looks like it's all back to the Old Normal but it's not and it never will be, and it's taunting me with its normalness and it's not real.
It's an illusion.
It looks like Old Normal but it's not. It's still New Normal but it's a new kind of New Normal, and I'd just gotten used to the old New Normal and got into a groove and a steady routine and it was all clockwork and I'm all chill and zen with it and it's fine and now it's gone and it looks like Old Normal but it's not and I have to get used to this new part of New Normal.
I don't want to go back on chemo because that means the Zoladex and Femara didn't work and I'm out those treatments and back to the drawing board and chemo sucks and it makes me feel like crap but at the same time I feel like I'm actively fighting the cancer. I take a pill every day and a shot once a month and that doesn't feel like I'm doing enough. It's too close to the Old Normal.
It's frustrating. I want my old New Normal back, or my old Old Normal back. I don't like this grey in-between Neither-Old-Nor-New Normal. I don't like it here but at the same time I desperately hope I stay here because I know not liking it here will pass when I just snap out of these doldrums of bleh and get caught up on Grey's Anatomy and have to find something else to do. (I don't want to stop watching it in case they take it off Hulu before I get caught up to the current season)
I want to tell my pdoc to up my Prozac, but these Feels aren't necessarily caused by a chem imbalance the way my depression generally is, but due to Things That Can Be Talked About. Maybe I should see a therapist except I know what the problem is and what the solutions are, and talking about them once an hour every week and being asked "How does that make you feel" and other such questions is not going to fix things. I'm in Point A, and I can see where I'm supposed to be at Point C, and I know how to get there through point B so that's not the problem. The problem is I lack the motivation to do anything to get to B so I can go to C. I'm just happy to sit here on my hiney and turn into a veggie except for the part where I'm not, not really.
I'm happy but I'm not. I'm in the New Normal but I'm not. I'm post-treatment but I'm not. I'm sick but I'm not. I'm this but I'm not. I'm that but I'm not. I'm in-between but I'm not. I have All The Feels but I don't. AND IT IS SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING. Except for the part where it's not.
tl;dr - mets sucks.
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